Looking Like I Had It Together Made It Harder To Quit Drinking

I pretended. I pretended so hard it was exhausting.

Professionally, I looked successful (SVP of a global ad agency). I dressed well. And my kids were in the Gifted & Talented program.

I bragged about whatever I thought would impress you and hid what was really going on behind that hologram of impressiveness.

(At least I thought you thought it was impressive.)

What I couldn’t admit even to myself was the drinking. The binging and purging. And the carrying on with inappropriate men.

When these behaviors ran into my professional life, I felt awful.

• I feel down on the dance floor of a bar dancing with a senior client. In front of my boss. (Who does that? I did, apparently.)
• I went home after a party with a friend of a direct report. And she saw us leave together.
• I drank until I was out of control in front of a friend-of-a-friend. Who also happened to work for my biggest client.

Embarrassed. Ashamed. Appalled at myself.

So I pretended those things didn’t even happen.

I definitely did not fit my mental image of an alcoholic.